Fool's Gold

The following are not my words, but I just felt like sharing them. It's a song written by an artist Bree Sharp some time ago. If you'd like to hear some of her music, I've provided the myspace link at the end...

My head is heavy and bent like a crane
The wrecking ball blues are coming again
Latham says, "Babe, you know life is a ride"
But living's no fun when you're dead inside

I pierce myself to wake up my veins
I'd pierce my heart if I thought things would change
I'm just like the skin that's been stung and restung
And the campfire songs that are sung and resung
For a girl of my age why am I so numb

I've been swallowed up greed, I've been spat upon by lust
If they ain't playing with your money, their playing with your trust
I'm trying so hard to stop sitting still
To gather the juice that's been spent or been spilled
To find a spark in myself that hasn't been killed
Cause if death doesn't get you then life surely will

I've been chasing a lie I was sold
Running down thieves and fool's gold
And these Christmas dreams are just painted coal

Talk about an early frost.

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Small Changes

So the crappiest part of my quarter is coming up when I have a ridiculous amount of papers to complete and no time to do it, even if I cut out the few fun parts of my life. We'll see what happens.

So this week I trusted the owner of the place I get my hair trimmed. I'm really glad I did. It rocks out and looks amazing. He cut the dead ends off the length and gave me an awesome conditioning treatment that rocked. I've got all over layers via razor cut and lots of funky lengths and angles. It's very rock star. I've even got long bangs! It makes me look a little more my age, which is good. I'm tired of being carded at rated R movies one second and being asked if I'm "That girl from the Princess Diaries" or "The Devil Wears Prada". (Although I will admit some similarities with Miss Hathaway).

I'm slowly but surely getting better at guitar. I need to make 15 minutes a day to work on that... Can we switch to the 36 hour day yet???

Just an update, I can move my neck again, but it still hurts to do so and when I'm cold and my muscles tense up, my back hurts in the areas I injured. I just hope it heals soon...

Weeks 1-3 of the quarter

So here's what's been up lately.

I'm behind on work in class because we actually have to do all the reading, which when you work (where my hours have been cut already) and intern is impossible.

I've given up on trying to work with my hours at my internship. I'll just drop to 2 days quarters 2&3 or end a month or so early. It'll be the consequence of their overworking me. They believe I'll be there until June, however, this is not true.

I've been trying to hit the gym again because I miss it ever so much, but I feel truly guilty when I do because of how much junk I actually have to do. The same goes for guitar.

I spent Saturday in the ER. I'm fine, I just tore several muscles. They prescribed a ton of drugs (which I will not fill) and sent me home. Some good did come out of it. A friend from the past who is a medical professional saw that I was checked in and after not speaking for 10 months (to the day) called me to find out if I was alright. We'll see what happens there. I'll admit, I missed having him in my life and hope to re-open communication.

There have been some important family issues afoot, but they'll resolve eventually. It's the least of my problems.

I skipped my first class since undergrad the other night to see my favorite band. I had a lot of fun and they rocked out. I felt bad skipping class, but it was worth it.

Stress sucks. I want to take the day off, but I feel guilty. We'll see what happens.

For those wondering what Saudade means...

Compliments of Wikipedia

Saudade (singular) or saudades (plural) (pronounced [sawˈdade] in Galician, pronounced [sawˈdadɨ] in European Portuguese and [sawˈdadʒi] or [sawˈdadi] in Brazilian Portuguese) is a Galician and Portuguese word for a feeling of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which is lost. It often carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might really never return.

The famous saudade of the Portuguese is a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist, for something other than the present, a turning towards the past or towards the future; not an active discontent or poignant sadness but an indolent dreaming wistfulness.

Saudade is different from nostalgia; in nostalgia (a word that also exists in Portuguese), one has a mixed happy and sad feeling, a memory of happiness but a sadness for its impossible return and sole existence in the past. Saudade is like nostalgia but with the hope that what is being longed for might return, even if that return is unlikely or so distant in the future to be almost of no consequence to the present. One might make a strong analogy with nostalgia as a feeling one has for a loved one who has died and saudade as a feeling one has for a loved one who has disappeared or is simply currently absent. Nostalgia is located in the past and is somewhat conformist while saudade is very present, anguishing, anxious and extends into the future.

For instance, the phrases "Tenho saudades de você" (literally, "I have 'saudade' for you") and "Eu sinto sua falta" ("I feel your absence") would each be translated into English as "I miss you" — both "falta" and "saudade" are translated as "missing." However, these two statements carry very different sentiments in Portuguese. The first sentence is never told to anyone in person, but the second can be. For example, The first would be said to someone who has been away for sometime, it would be said over the phone or written in a letter. The second would be said by someone who has divorced, or whose partner is not usually at home, and would be said personally.

Some say^[vague] that the ultimate form of saudade is one felt towards people and things whose whereabouts are unknown in regards to any of the following things or circumstances:

• Old ways and sayings
• A lost lover
• A far away place where one was raised
• One lover sadly missing another
• Loved ones who have passed away
• Feelings and stimuli one used to have but has tired of
• One's youth

Although it relates to feelings of melancholy and fond memories of things/people/days gone by, it can be a rush of sadness coupled with a paradoxical joy derived from acceptance of fate and the hope of recovering or substituting what is lost by something that will either fill in the void or provide consolation.

One of the best descriptions of the word saudade was made by Chico Buarque de Hollanda in his song "Pedaço de mim," when he says. "saudade é arrumar o quarto do filho que já morreu." which roughly translates to "saudade is to tidy the bedroom of a son who has already died."

Thirteen and some photos

I've added one more to my list.

13) Smile more. I don't do much of it and I should do it a lot more often. I get a lot of compliments from men on it, so I guess people like it.

I've also decided that I'm going to share some pictures I've taken over the years during my travels.

I've been to 5 continents and somewhere around 30 countries.

If there is a corresponding story to the picture, I will include it. These pictures will be added randomly and without reason. Just because.

So here's your first one, it's of a little boy I fell in love with in Namibia. I just loved his eyes and his innocence.

The things I want/need to change now

Okay, maybe just typing it is easier than to use a notebook.

So I will add things as I go.

1) I want to go back to the gym. I spent most of my summer working out and because my schedule is so hectic, my gym excursions have ceased to be. I felt a lot better about myself, not to mention looked better on top of it.

2) I want to stop pushing people away. I know I do this. Sometimes consciously, sometimes not. Either way it has to end. It's just hard to change years and years of blocking people out overnight. My defenses are always up. I don't know what it's like to take them down and I'm extremely scared to let them come down. That's how people get hurt. That causes feelings, painful ones. Maybe it's better than the numb though. Although numb is supposed to be the new deep.

3) I miss my organic diet. I need to stop eating all the crap I do. I miss my awesome stir fry recipes. I just really don't have time to cook.

4) I'm miserable with my career choice. It is something that I've been struggling with quite often lately. I just feel like a hypocrite. I'm a social worker and I hate admitting it. I'm burnt out. I'm 23 and I'm almost done with my M.S.W. It makes no sense to drop out at this point. It'll look good on a resume. I have an internship which is unpaid and I work 30+ hours a week at. Expectations are very high there. The stress level there is high as well. The financial strain caused by not getting paid is also a source of stress. I just really want to get my M.B.A. My grades are certainly high enough, it's just the GMAT and finding the right program for me. I just don't have the time to do the research, study for the GMAT, etc.

5) I want to do better at my paid job. I really like it there, but due to the hours between interning, school, daily necessary things, errands, studying, etc. I barely sleep and I usually go in tired. I'm not a bad saleswoman, but there's always room for improvement. It's not easy to move up the ranks there. It's very political. I want to though.

6) Throughout my life people have told me that I'm "scary" and "intimidating". I've particularly been told this by men. When I ask why they say it's because of who I am. I'm relatively attractive, worldly, well rounded and intelligent. I don't play games. I don't want to lose any of those qualities, but I don't seem to attract men, particularly the kind that I would want. I don't want to be scary or intimidating. I just want to be my imperfect self.

7) I miss reading. The only things I get to read are textbooks and scholarly articles. Not exactly what I'd call fun. I'd love to make time for it, but I don't have any time.

8) I need to stop spending money frivolously. I think that's pretty self-explanatory. I ask myself if I "need" things as is, yet I still spend way too much.

9) I need to face my feelings and find a way to start expressing them, in reality. Not just this cyber world stuff. I often let people walk all over me then just snap when they push me too far. I need to stop doing that too.

10) Thinking before I act and speak. I've never done it. I just sort of wing it. However, often, especially when I'm speaking, things just don't come out right. I don't sound intelligent when I speak. I have an I.Q. well above average and most people think I'm a moron. I end up being treated like one. If they actually listened, they might realize that I'm not an idiot, I'm just not very good at expressing my thoughts, emotions, feelings, etc.

11) I don't take time for myself. I really wish I could, I just don't have the time or energy. I know it affects me and everyone around me, but when I try to make time it just never happens. I end up sacrificing an obligation and suffering severe consequences because of it.

12) Drinking. I need to stop. Completely. I don't like it, but I do it to be social. I'm not an alcoholic, but I don't like the way I feel even when I have one drink. I quit smoking cold turkey a few years ago. I just need to do this the same way. After my spins most of today, I don't think it should be very hard to do... I never want to feel the effects of alcohol again. EVER. I'm not just saying that because I'm freshly getting over a hangover. I don't like who I am, how I feel or how I act when I drink, even if it's just one. You can consider me sober now.

There's plenty more that will be added to this list. I just need some more time to think about it. It's a start for now...

Evaluation

Most of the time I pretend I am numb. I prefer not to acknowledge that I have feelings and how painful they are. I go through my days feeling like I am outside of my body just watching myself go through the motions. Wake up, go to work, class or my internship. Followed by more work or paying bills that I can't afford. Never doing anything for myself. Helping to improve the lives of the few around me as my own deteriorates right in front of me. Insomnia. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I want a change. I need to change. I don't want the American dream. I just want to not be afraid to feel. I just want to be happy, whatever that is.

This morning at about 4 A.M. while praying to the porcelain Gods after a finding out that absinthe and tequila don't go well together, I found myself praying to any God that would listen and asking myself if I've hit rock bottom yet. It was then I decided it was time to evaluate my life. Fully, honestly and brutally. I'll make any changes necessary whether they are radical or minor. I just know I need something and I need it now.

Since I'm not good at this whole feelings thing, and since this is huge to me, I've decided to take a chance and share my feelings in the most nameless, faceless way possible. The internet. Hence, the beginning of this blog. I'm not anywhere near ready to share these feelings with the people in my life, but I can't bottle it up anymore.

So I will post as often as possible. Letting the world know about my past, present and future one piece at a time. Tonight I will take a notebook and start writing down things that I want to change and why, how I can change them, what I want in my future (or at least think I want), so on and so forth. I will post these things as I go along.

So if anyone ever reads this, I'm open to suggestions, comments, questions, anything within reason. In the mean time I'm going to go find a box of Kleenex which I know I'll need when brutally ripping apart my life and facing the scary truth of what was, is and with any luck, will be.