Evaluation

Most of the time I pretend I am numb. I prefer not to acknowledge that I have feelings and how painful they are. I go through my days feeling like I am outside of my body just watching myself go through the motions. Wake up, go to work, class or my internship. Followed by more work or paying bills that I can't afford. Never doing anything for myself. Helping to improve the lives of the few around me as my own deteriorates right in front of me. Insomnia. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I want a change. I need to change. I don't want the American dream. I just want to not be afraid to feel. I just want to be happy, whatever that is.

This morning at about 4 A.M. while praying to the porcelain Gods after a finding out that absinthe and tequila don't go well together, I found myself praying to any God that would listen and asking myself if I've hit rock bottom yet. It was then I decided it was time to evaluate my life. Fully, honestly and brutally. I'll make any changes necessary whether they are radical or minor. I just know I need something and I need it now.

Since I'm not good at this whole feelings thing, and since this is huge to me, I've decided to take a chance and share my feelings in the most nameless, faceless way possible. The internet. Hence, the beginning of this blog. I'm not anywhere near ready to share these feelings with the people in my life, but I can't bottle it up anymore.

So I will post as often as possible. Letting the world know about my past, present and future one piece at a time. Tonight I will take a notebook and start writing down things that I want to change and why, how I can change them, what I want in my future (or at least think I want), so on and so forth. I will post these things as I go along.

So if anyone ever reads this, I'm open to suggestions, comments, questions, anything within reason. In the mean time I'm going to go find a box of Kleenex which I know I'll need when brutally ripping apart my life and facing the scary truth of what was, is and with any luck, will be.