Fool's Gold

The following are not my words, but I just felt like sharing them. It's a song written by an artist Bree Sharp some time ago. If you'd like to hear some of her music, I've provided the myspace link at the end...

My head is heavy and bent like a crane
The wrecking ball blues are coming again
Latham says, "Babe, you know life is a ride"
But living's no fun when you're dead inside

I pierce myself to wake up my veins
I'd pierce my heart if I thought things would change
I'm just like the skin that's been stung and restung
And the campfire songs that are sung and resung
For a girl of my age why am I so numb

I've been swallowed up greed, I've been spat upon by lust
If they ain't playing with your money, their playing with your trust
I'm trying so hard to stop sitting still
To gather the juice that's been spent or been spilled
To find a spark in myself that hasn't been killed
Cause if death doesn't get you then life surely will

I've been chasing a lie I was sold
Running down thieves and fool's gold
And these Christmas dreams are just painted coal

Talk about an early frost.

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Small Changes

So the crappiest part of my quarter is coming up when I have a ridiculous amount of papers to complete and no time to do it, even if I cut out the few fun parts of my life. We'll see what happens.

So this week I trusted the owner of the place I get my hair trimmed. I'm really glad I did. It rocks out and looks amazing. He cut the dead ends off the length and gave me an awesome conditioning treatment that rocked. I've got all over layers via razor cut and lots of funky lengths and angles. It's very rock star. I've even got long bangs! It makes me look a little more my age, which is good. I'm tired of being carded at rated R movies one second and being asked if I'm "That girl from the Princess Diaries" or "The Devil Wears Prada". (Although I will admit some similarities with Miss Hathaway).

I'm slowly but surely getting better at guitar. I need to make 15 minutes a day to work on that... Can we switch to the 36 hour day yet???

Just an update, I can move my neck again, but it still hurts to do so and when I'm cold and my muscles tense up, my back hurts in the areas I injured. I just hope it heals soon...

Weeks 1-3 of the quarter

So here's what's been up lately.

I'm behind on work in class because we actually have to do all the reading, which when you work (where my hours have been cut already) and intern is impossible.

I've given up on trying to work with my hours at my internship. I'll just drop to 2 days quarters 2&3 or end a month or so early. It'll be the consequence of their overworking me. They believe I'll be there until June, however, this is not true.

I've been trying to hit the gym again because I miss it ever so much, but I feel truly guilty when I do because of how much junk I actually have to do. The same goes for guitar.

I spent Saturday in the ER. I'm fine, I just tore several muscles. They prescribed a ton of drugs (which I will not fill) and sent me home. Some good did come out of it. A friend from the past who is a medical professional saw that I was checked in and after not speaking for 10 months (to the day) called me to find out if I was alright. We'll see what happens there. I'll admit, I missed having him in my life and hope to re-open communication.

There have been some important family issues afoot, but they'll resolve eventually. It's the least of my problems.

I skipped my first class since undergrad the other night to see my favorite band. I had a lot of fun and they rocked out. I felt bad skipping class, but it was worth it.

Stress sucks. I want to take the day off, but I feel guilty. We'll see what happens.

For those wondering what Saudade means...

Compliments of Wikipedia

Saudade (singular) or saudades (plural) (pronounced [sawˈdade] in Galician, pronounced [sawˈdadɨ] in European Portuguese and [sawˈdadʒi] or [sawˈdadi] in Brazilian Portuguese) is a Galician and Portuguese word for a feeling of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which is lost. It often carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might really never return.

The famous saudade of the Portuguese is a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist, for something other than the present, a turning towards the past or towards the future; not an active discontent or poignant sadness but an indolent dreaming wistfulness.

Saudade is different from nostalgia; in nostalgia (a word that also exists in Portuguese), one has a mixed happy and sad feeling, a memory of happiness but a sadness for its impossible return and sole existence in the past. Saudade is like nostalgia but with the hope that what is being longed for might return, even if that return is unlikely or so distant in the future to be almost of no consequence to the present. One might make a strong analogy with nostalgia as a feeling one has for a loved one who has died and saudade as a feeling one has for a loved one who has disappeared or is simply currently absent. Nostalgia is located in the past and is somewhat conformist while saudade is very present, anguishing, anxious and extends into the future.

For instance, the phrases "Tenho saudades de você" (literally, "I have 'saudade' for you") and "Eu sinto sua falta" ("I feel your absence") would each be translated into English as "I miss you" — both "falta" and "saudade" are translated as "missing." However, these two statements carry very different sentiments in Portuguese. The first sentence is never told to anyone in person, but the second can be. For example, The first would be said to someone who has been away for sometime, it would be said over the phone or written in a letter. The second would be said by someone who has divorced, or whose partner is not usually at home, and would be said personally.

Some say^[vague] that the ultimate form of saudade is one felt towards people and things whose whereabouts are unknown in regards to any of the following things or circumstances:

• Old ways and sayings
• A lost lover
• A far away place where one was raised
• One lover sadly missing another
• Loved ones who have passed away
• Feelings and stimuli one used to have but has tired of
• One's youth

Although it relates to feelings of melancholy and fond memories of things/people/days gone by, it can be a rush of sadness coupled with a paradoxical joy derived from acceptance of fate and the hope of recovering or substituting what is lost by something that will either fill in the void or provide consolation.

One of the best descriptions of the word saudade was made by Chico Buarque de Hollanda in his song "Pedaço de mim," when he says. "saudade é arrumar o quarto do filho que já morreu." which roughly translates to "saudade is to tidy the bedroom of a son who has already died."