Thirteen and some photos

I've added one more to my list.

13) Smile more. I don't do much of it and I should do it a lot more often. I get a lot of compliments from men on it, so I guess people like it.

I've also decided that I'm going to share some pictures I've taken over the years during my travels.

I've been to 5 continents and somewhere around 30 countries.

If there is a corresponding story to the picture, I will include it. These pictures will be added randomly and without reason. Just because.

So here's your first one, it's of a little boy I fell in love with in Namibia. I just loved his eyes and his innocence.

The things I want/need to change now

Okay, maybe just typing it is easier than to use a notebook.

So I will add things as I go.

1) I want to go back to the gym. I spent most of my summer working out and because my schedule is so hectic, my gym excursions have ceased to be. I felt a lot better about myself, not to mention looked better on top of it.

2) I want to stop pushing people away. I know I do this. Sometimes consciously, sometimes not. Either way it has to end. It's just hard to change years and years of blocking people out overnight. My defenses are always up. I don't know what it's like to take them down and I'm extremely scared to let them come down. That's how people get hurt. That causes feelings, painful ones. Maybe it's better than the numb though. Although numb is supposed to be the new deep.

3) I miss my organic diet. I need to stop eating all the crap I do. I miss my awesome stir fry recipes. I just really don't have time to cook.

4) I'm miserable with my career choice. It is something that I've been struggling with quite often lately. I just feel like a hypocrite. I'm a social worker and I hate admitting it. I'm burnt out. I'm 23 and I'm almost done with my M.S.W. It makes no sense to drop out at this point. It'll look good on a resume. I have an internship which is unpaid and I work 30+ hours a week at. Expectations are very high there. The stress level there is high as well. The financial strain caused by not getting paid is also a source of stress. I just really want to get my M.B.A. My grades are certainly high enough, it's just the GMAT and finding the right program for me. I just don't have the time to do the research, study for the GMAT, etc.

5) I want to do better at my paid job. I really like it there, but due to the hours between interning, school, daily necessary things, errands, studying, etc. I barely sleep and I usually go in tired. I'm not a bad saleswoman, but there's always room for improvement. It's not easy to move up the ranks there. It's very political. I want to though.

6) Throughout my life people have told me that I'm "scary" and "intimidating". I've particularly been told this by men. When I ask why they say it's because of who I am. I'm relatively attractive, worldly, well rounded and intelligent. I don't play games. I don't want to lose any of those qualities, but I don't seem to attract men, particularly the kind that I would want. I don't want to be scary or intimidating. I just want to be my imperfect self.

7) I miss reading. The only things I get to read are textbooks and scholarly articles. Not exactly what I'd call fun. I'd love to make time for it, but I don't have any time.

8) I need to stop spending money frivolously. I think that's pretty self-explanatory. I ask myself if I "need" things as is, yet I still spend way too much.

9) I need to face my feelings and find a way to start expressing them, in reality. Not just this cyber world stuff. I often let people walk all over me then just snap when they push me too far. I need to stop doing that too.

10) Thinking before I act and speak. I've never done it. I just sort of wing it. However, often, especially when I'm speaking, things just don't come out right. I don't sound intelligent when I speak. I have an I.Q. well above average and most people think I'm a moron. I end up being treated like one. If they actually listened, they might realize that I'm not an idiot, I'm just not very good at expressing my thoughts, emotions, feelings, etc.

11) I don't take time for myself. I really wish I could, I just don't have the time or energy. I know it affects me and everyone around me, but when I try to make time it just never happens. I end up sacrificing an obligation and suffering severe consequences because of it.

12) Drinking. I need to stop. Completely. I don't like it, but I do it to be social. I'm not an alcoholic, but I don't like the way I feel even when I have one drink. I quit smoking cold turkey a few years ago. I just need to do this the same way. After my spins most of today, I don't think it should be very hard to do... I never want to feel the effects of alcohol again. EVER. I'm not just saying that because I'm freshly getting over a hangover. I don't like who I am, how I feel or how I act when I drink, even if it's just one. You can consider me sober now.

There's plenty more that will be added to this list. I just need some more time to think about it. It's a start for now...

Evaluation

Most of the time I pretend I am numb. I prefer not to acknowledge that I have feelings and how painful they are. I go through my days feeling like I am outside of my body just watching myself go through the motions. Wake up, go to work, class or my internship. Followed by more work or paying bills that I can't afford. Never doing anything for myself. Helping to improve the lives of the few around me as my own deteriorates right in front of me. Insomnia. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I want a change. I need to change. I don't want the American dream. I just want to not be afraid to feel. I just want to be happy, whatever that is.

This morning at about 4 A.M. while praying to the porcelain Gods after a finding out that absinthe and tequila don't go well together, I found myself praying to any God that would listen and asking myself if I've hit rock bottom yet. It was then I decided it was time to evaluate my life. Fully, honestly and brutally. I'll make any changes necessary whether they are radical or minor. I just know I need something and I need it now.

Since I'm not good at this whole feelings thing, and since this is huge to me, I've decided to take a chance and share my feelings in the most nameless, faceless way possible. The internet. Hence, the beginning of this blog. I'm not anywhere near ready to share these feelings with the people in my life, but I can't bottle it up anymore.

So I will post as often as possible. Letting the world know about my past, present and future one piece at a time. Tonight I will take a notebook and start writing down things that I want to change and why, how I can change them, what I want in my future (or at least think I want), so on and so forth. I will post these things as I go along.

So if anyone ever reads this, I'm open to suggestions, comments, questions, anything within reason. In the mean time I'm going to go find a box of Kleenex which I know I'll need when brutally ripping apart my life and facing the scary truth of what was, is and with any luck, will be.